In a world that glorifies constant movement, productivity, and “pushing through,” we often overlook the sacred wisdom in stillness. What if the exhaustion and disconnection you feel aren’t signs that you’re broken, but invitations from your soul to retreat, reflect, and recalibrate? This state of inner collapse—where the spark seems gone and everything feels muted—can be misunderstood as defeat. But underneath, something deeper may be unfolding: a necessary descent into the fertile darkness where transformation begins. My journey through profound numbness and emotional exhaustion taught me that these moments are not empty—they are sacred pauses, where the soul regathers its strength to rise again with deeper clarity, purpose, and passion.
Over the past year a series of life-altering events let me feeling lost, disconnected and empty. It all started back in April with the total solar eclipse. I was expecting to feel invigorated and experience what astrologers promised to be a period of restart and personal growth. I was even ready to book a flight to Peru and begin a journey through the Andes with a group of Q’ero shamans. Instead the universe had a different plan of what my restart and growth would be.
A few weeks after the eclipse, I was hit with a wave of debilitating physical and emotional fatigue. My body felt heavy and life seemed to dull. I no longer found joy in the activities I once loved — cooking, decorating, reading, and taking walks in nature. It felt as if someone or something had turned down the volume and brightness of life. I was left in a quiet colorless world.
I felt numb and became tired of sitting on my couch scrolling. Life was slipping away and I became aware that my spark and ambition were withering. I grew tired of being tired! So I began trying everything I could to start healing and reclaim my “mojo.” I spent the next few months pulling out every holistic healing tool I could access — BodyTalk, acupuncture, shamanic healing, and the Akashic records. And it helped!
By July, I was regaining my strength and spark and even enrolled in 6-month training course with The Four Winds to become a Shamanic Energy Medicine Practitioner. I thought I was stepping into a new and exciting chapter of my life. But what I didn’t realize was that I had entered a period of growth that included trials and emotional ups and downs. I was forced to face past traumas and unresolved issues. What began with enthusiasm quickly spiraled into deep shadow work and a full-blown dark night of the soul. All the emotions I had buried since childhood—grief, sadness, heartache, rage—rose to the surface, demanding to be felt. It was as if the Fates themselves were confronting me resolve all of these past issues and traumas to transform into a more evolved version of myself.
December that year, I emerged as that evolved version of myself including gaining a new set of tools learned from my Shamanic training. I had begun healing the core wounds of my inner child. I felt whole again—and for the first time in a long time, ready to embrace life from a deeper, more integrated place. I had new tools. A stronger foundation. And a newfound devotion to walk with others on their healing journeys.
Just when I thought I was moving forward, I got knocked backwards…
In February I got a call from my brother in Toronto, “Mom has stage 4 cancer. She may not have much time.” I drove up that Monday, thinking I’d spend a few meaningful days with her. But “a few days” turned into a month. She could no longer walk or care for herself, and I became her full-time caregiver. I had to put my life and personal journey for healing on hold to help care for my mom.
Those days were relentless, tending to her around the clock, navigating hospital visits, and witnessing her life force slowly slip away. That month in Toronto was cold, dark, and heavy. One morning, as I sat in her quiet condo staring at the walls, something broke open in me.
I realized I had no control. None of my plans had worked. Life had brought me to my knees.
I whispered out loud, “Okay, I give up! If this is the life I’m meant to live—so be it!”
In that moment I heard a still, reassuring voice echo from within, “All is well.” I immediately felt a powerful peace descend around me like a warm blanket accompanied with a deep knowing that I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
Looking back now, I understand that this chapter of my life ushered me into a state of entropy.
Entropy is the collapse of structure and meaning in life and shows up as fatigue, melancholy, or numbness. I believe entropy is not bad, It is a necessary pause which allows us to recharge. While it is not comfortable it allows us to gather energy and intention to create something fresh and new for us. That’s the secret of transforming the numbness or depression into fuel for passion, creativity and new sense of purpose in life.
To break free from this state, we must learn to be ok with the numbness and trust that there is something happening to you on a deeper level. Just like seeds require the cold, dark soil, to germinate, our souls sometimes need to rest in nothingness to truly transform. It’s the fertile ground where new life begins.